Attachment styles come from a mix of childhood, genes and early romantic experiences.
Attachment doesn’t equal weakness. On the contrary, in order to thrive and grow as human beings we need a secure base from which to derive strength and comfort. The better dependent we are, the most daring we become.
There are two main attachment styles: anxious and avoidant. The anxious fears not being enough for the partner, asking for more intimacy than their partner can provide. The avoidant fears being hurt by the partner, struggling when the partner wants to get too close. Ultimately, they are both afraid of being let down.
To form a secure attachment you should become aware of your needs, learn how to express them properly, and learn to identify partners who can meet them.
→ Among adults, the prevailing notion is still that too much dependence in a relationship is a bad thing. But attachment is not weakness. It’s genetic predisposition.
→ Attachment theory teaches that controlling your own emotional needs and soothe yourself in the face of stress is simply wrong. You need someone to meet your needs, you are not too needy. Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.
Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. General traits:
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. General traits:
Anxious are more likely to date avoidants: these attachment styles complement each other. Each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and about relationships. As the saying goes: “Opposites attract each other”.
The anxious believe they want more intimacy than their partner can provide, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. The avoidant believes the anxious want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with, and therefore exit relationships.
Why are anxious people still single? There is something wrong with them (internal reason). Why are avoidant people still single? They have not met the right person (external reason).
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. General traits:
Remember that attachment styles are stable but plastic—becoming more secure is an ongoing process. Whenever a new concern, dissatisfaction, or conflict occurs, enter the new information. This will help in your quest to break your insecure patterns.
Effective communication is about cutting to the chase and directly expressing your needs to the partner. It aims to achieve two goals:
Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional dialogue.
It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response—whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.
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